I'll let ya be in my dream

People come, people go....

2009-05-04T02:27:21Z

I just realized that today marks a year since I've had any communication whatsoever with Ben.

How truly bizarre. He used to be the center of everything, and now it's been a year since I've had anything at all to do with him. And I almost didn't even notice the fact.

Which is not to say he's disappeared. On the contrary - I would say that rarely a day goes by where he doesn't enter my mind for some reason or another. I mean, someone and something that is that huge a part of one's life for that long doesn't just disappear. The days are just much fewer and farther between when I actually dwell on him (although they do still occur occasionally).

But the fact that though he's not absent from my mind, he has been completely absent from my life for a year, after he used to be so important to my every day existence for so long - that's just hard to comprehend.

I have no idea what to feel right now. Relieved? Sad? Nostalgic? Free?

Or nothing at all?

All I can say is that when it all started, I never in a million years would have thought it ever would have come to this.

And that's really all the reflection on the occasion I can muster up at the moment.

Blame it on a simple twist of fate

2009-04-16T03:23:36Z

So here's the thing: I'm pretty sure (read 99% positive) I'm staying in DC next year. Not because I have a job, but because I'm starting to have connections - I know people at theatres, people know me, and if they don't, when I tell them what I've been doing they'll at least know what it means and who I've been working with. I'm not expecting to get a theatre job next year, but I will hopefully get to do important un-paid theatre things while working some day-job to pay the rent. Which is what I would be doing anywhere, but here I might actually get to do so with some important places and people that, frankly, would look really good on my resume at this point in my career.

And of course, part of me just feels dreadful about abandoning Flat Earth and everyone in Boston, but after talking to both Cora and Kevin about it (where would I be without those two?) - I know that this is the time in my life where I need to do what I need to do and be where I need to be, career wise. Of course geographically, the place I *want* to be is New England - going home this past weekend for Passover definitely confirmed that. New England is just in my blood, an no matter how long I live anywhere else, it will always be home to me. But I do like DC, and it will be nice to live somewhere for more than a year....

None of the specifics are set yet, having only made this decision in the past month or so; all I know is that my current job ends on July 10. I'm thinking after that I'll put my stuff in storage and take a vacation for the rest of the summer - considering that between now and then I will have a total of I think 4 days off - and then come back to DC and move somewhere (I don't want to think about it now) and get a job (another thing I don't want to think about right now). This is all very subject to change... but if I do take a month and a half vacation, I expect to spend some of it visiting all of you!

So anyway, that's the big life-decision that's happened to me recently. The job itself is kind of insane and stressful, and there are certain elements of it that I certainly will not miss. But I've been AD-ing the Acting Fellows project, which is an adaptation of Hamlet, and it's been nice to actually be involved in a creative process again - I'd forgotten how much I missed that. And then I get to be the second assistant director (the assistant to the AD, basically) on King Lear, which is a remount of the 2006 Goodman production directed by Bob Falls and starring Stacy Keach - and that promises to be an incredibly awesome experience. Of course, I have to keep up with all my office work on top of that, so it means I get to pull a whole lot of 15 hour days and work 7 days a week for a month and a half, but hey - it's not like I have anything else going on in my life.

I did finally talk to the boy (the one who is kind of the man I want to marry - no joke, unfortunately), and after a few confrontations, I just in the past week got to the base truth of the matter: he and his girlfriend have been going through a rough patch, but they've been together for five and a half years, and that's probably not going to change anytime soon. And that is the final answer. Yes, there was mutual interest, yes, there was very much mutual attraction, but he's not going to leave that long-term relationship for someone he more or less just met. And that's not me projecting, that is, after actual conversation about it, the solid truth of the situation.

And of course, it breaks my heart, because I've never quite been in this situation before - I have never felt quite this way about someone I've met, even the people I've dated. But that's the way things are. And as much as I may regret bringing the issue out in the open and therefore bringing about the end to it all, I know it's better this way - because the longer I pretended that things might work out in my favor, the more hurt I would have been when they didn't. The longer you dream, the harder you fall, and this way, even though the landing was painful, I'll survive it.

(I go through this struggle over and over again - false hope vs. no hope. And I always decide on no hope, and make the move so that false hope is irrevocably lost. And then I regret it, deeply. But I know, in the end, no hope is better than false - because while the former may let you down, it is the latter that will leave you flat.)

So anyhow, we're going to be friends. Because I like him too much to let go of him completely. And we hung out, and it wasn't awkward, and we talked about it, and we even joked about it, had fun with it. And although of course it was painful, I'm man enough to fake it 'til I make it.

And it does make me feel better that they've been in a relationship for that long - because I would hope that he would take serious consideration before leaving that much of a commitment for someone he's only known for four months. (And, due to my obsession with dates, I of course just noticed that it is four months ago to the day that I first met him....) And it seems he did take consideration, and decided to stick with his five and a half years. And those are the facts I need to accept and live with - just because he seems to be Mr. Right to me doesn't mean I'm Ms. Right to him.

So now I bury myself in work, as described above.

And, you know, I am staying in DC, so just in case things don't work out with his girlfriend... (Don't worry, I'm not actually banking on that - and that's certainly not the reason I'm staying, so you don't need to start harassing me about it!)

And, because I have a song to go with everything (and 95% of the time, it's Dylan - with the pronoun genders switched, as usual):

They sat together in the park
As the evening sky grew dark,
She looked at him and he felt a spark tingle to his bones.
'Twas then he felt alone and wished that he'd gone straight
And watched out for a simple twist of fate.

They walked along by the old canal
A little confused, I remember well
And stopped into a strange hotel with a neon burnin' bright.
He felt the heat of the night hit him like a freight train
Moving with a simple twist of fate.

A saxophone someplace far off played
As she was walkin' by the arcade.
As the light bust through a beat-up shade where he was wakin' up,
She dropped a coin into the cup of a blind man at the gate
And forgot about a simple twist of fate.

He woke up, the room was bare
He didn't see her anywhere.
He told himself he didn't care, pushed the window open wide,
Felt an emptiness inside to which he just could not relate
Brought on by a simple twist of fate.

He hears the ticking of the clocks
And walks along with a parrot that talks,
Hunts her down by the waterfront docks where the sailers all come in.
Maybe she'll pick him out again, how long must he wait
Once more for a simple twist of fate.

People tell me it's a sin
To know and feel too much within.
I still believe she was my twin, but I lost the ring.
She was born in spring, but I was born too late
Blame it on a simple twist of fate.

I'm sure it's indicative of some psychological issue that I can't process anything that happens in my personal life without a song (or several) with which to define it....

Anyhow, that's me from the past... however long it's been since I last updated. To conclude: you all should come visit me in DC. That is not a request, it is a command!

Some were born to sing the blues...

2009-02-14T09:04:25Z

Who knows. It’s Valentine’s Day – technically, as it is almost 4:00 in the morning – another factor – and I have been drinking, so I might as well spill it all out

There is a boy (how else would this story start?) who I fall more in love with every time I hang out with him. I have never, ever in my life felt this before, where I meet someone, hang out with them, and each time think: “this could be the man I marry.” Well, no, maybe that’s too extreme – perhaps more accurate is: “this could be the next person I fall in love with, the next person I spend a significant portion of my life in love with.” And it’s not just a one-sided thing – the connection between us is so fucking palpable I can taste it.

Which would all be well and good –

– except for the fact that he has a girlfriend.

Who he lives with.

As in, they moved to DC together after grad school and got an apartment together.

But here’s the thing – we’ve hung out a bunch, and never once, in all the time we’ve spent together, much of which is spent talking (great conversation – what a fucking turn-on…) – he has never once, never once, mentioned her, or even the fact of her existence. Even when we went out this evening, had dinner, saw a show, had drinks afterwards, and during the process I asked him if he had any exciting plans for Valentine’s Day, he was rather evasive and still, did not mention her. And the thing is – we’re friends on Facebook, she is all fucking over his page (in that he’s listed as in a relationship with her, most of the pictures of him are of them, practically every post on his wall mentions her too (“Oh, you and [gf] this and you and [gf] that and so nice to see you and [gf] and can’t wait to see you and [gf]”) – so he clearly knows I know, since he’s the one who friended me, so it would not be some surprise to me should he mention it. And I mention my exes all the time, particularly the most recent. He was a huge part of my life for a long time, so of course he’s going to come up in conversation, just in passing reference (“Oh, yeah, my ex and I went such-and-such place, my ex passed such-and-such music on to me,” etc.), so it’s not like the subject is taboo. And it is clear that they are a well-established couple, everyone thinks of them as a unit – so it seems very strange that he has never once mentioned her. I mean, you can’t freaking LIVE with someone and never have them enter your conversation – especially when there are no taboos to break – unless you’re deliberately avoiding the topic.

But nothing has happened – yes, there’s conversation, and prolonged eye contact, and extraneous “casual” physical contact, and texts immediately after we part ways telling me what an awesome time he had hanging out – but nothing definitive has happened, so I can’t confront him on the matter, because clearly there’s no groundwork for me to instigate the “me or her” conversation. And every time I hang out with him, and become utterly convinced there is some connection, I come home, and become equally utterly convinced that his girlfriend and he are practically married, from what I can tell, and that whatever connection there may be, there is absolutely no hope of anything coming of it.

And let me tell you, that is just really not a fun thing to go through over and over again.

But I’m not quite strong enough to never hang out with him again, because how often do you feel this? Once, maybe twice in your life – and it would seem like such a waste to just let him / make him disappear. And yet I am still completely sure – not just convinced, but sure – that nothing will / can ever come of it.

Boo. :(

But tomorrow I am having a Bitter and Single Valentine’s Day Extravaganza with some fellow bitter and single friends, and it promises to be exactly the catharsis I need get some of this out of my system.

And, of course, spilling your guts on the Internet always helps, too.

Anyhow, I should go to sleep, as to be well rested for the aforementioned Extravaganza! I hope you all have wonderful Valentine’s Days, whether you are buying into the commercialized holiday (nothing at all wrong with that!), deliberately dissenting, or making it suit your own purposes (I’m somewhere in between those last two, I suppose) – or if to you, it’s just another Saturday, well, then I hope you have a perfectly lovely Saturday!

No, this is not the promised Inauguration post

2009-01-23T03:41:49Z

I will write one soon, I promise - right now it's still too close for me to write anything even remotely coherent about.... I need a bit more perspective; at this point I would just devolve into an emotional mess....

So in the meantime: just in case any of you somehow forgot what a ginormous dork I am - this evening in the shower I had two ideas for the BEST CLASSES EVER that I will totally teach if I am ever a professor.

The first is a class called "Not Your Grandma's Shakespeare," and it would look at adaptations and interpretations of Shakespeare from 1960 to the present, especially ones that do something crazy and different. For instance: Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead; The Compleat Works of Wllm Shkspr (Abridged); Neil Gaiman's takes on Midsummer and The Tempest in Sandman; Julie Taymor's Titus and Baz Luhrmann's Romeo + Juliet; complete reworkings, from the classics (i.e. Kurosawa's Throne of Blood and Ran) to the wonderful newer ones (i.e. Scotland, P.A.), to the silly teen ones (Ten Things I Hate About You, etc.). We would of course watch/read these along with the original plays, and discuss and analyze how they use the text, what they illuminate in the original text, whether they illuminate anything in the original text, etc.

The second class would basically be a version of what I did for my Div III - combining academic and theatrical Shakespeare. The entire class would be working on one play. One half would be studying it from an academic standpoint - reading it as literature, reading academic articles, writing papers, etc. - and the other half would be mounting a production of the play. (These things would happen simultaneously, not consecutively.) Like my Div III, the point would be to see how working on a play from both angles simultaneously would provide a deeper, richer understanding of the play, and to see how the academic study could inform the production, and vice-versa.

DO THESE NOT SOUND LIKE THE BEST CLASSES EVER??? You know you totally want to take them.

In other news, Oscar nominations are up, and I have some SERIOUS catching up to do....

... Everything in my life seems very small and insignificant compared to what happened on Tuesday. More on that when I am able.

INTRODUCING My Secret Superhero Identity: The Eternal Wingman!!

2009-01-18T09:13:59Z

Sometimes, I absolutely love my life, because it is so fucking predictable that I know exactly what lies around every corner! And because of that, I am well prepared for the sadness the sights around those corners would otherwise bring, and can therefore enjoy a hearty laugh at the whole situation instead of actually feeling sad! I have found that it is always good to have a solid sense of humor about these things - otherwise life really would be a shambles, now wouldn't it. (I know someone famous said something famous along these lines (about how life was far too important to be taken seriously, etc.), but I cannot for the life of me quite remember who or what at the moment....) (Although to add another famous quote from a famous person, there is Oscar Wilde's lovely line from A Woman of No Importance: "The secret of life is to appreciate the pleasure of being terribly, terribly deceived." Done and done, Mr. Wilde, sir!)

In other news, do not fear, I will make a complete report on my full Inauguration Experience after the whole crazy event is over! It's still rather inconceivable how damn close the actual event is... About freaking time, too! What a weight off the collective nation's chest when he finally swears in and Bush is officially out....

It's nearly 2009 - when did that happen?

2009-01-01T01:00:14Z

Alright. I figure, since it is New Year's and all, I should actually do some kind of real update.

It's been an interesting month at work. Due to the whole economic crisis thing, we had to do a bunch of layoffs, including the Associate Casting Director, who was my de-facto supervisor and the person I worked with the most closely. This has made my life all sorts of interesting, because now not only am I left much more to my own devices without any guidance, but I'm also taking over a portion of her day-to-day duties. I'm trying to look at it as a learning opportunity, which it certainly is, but the truth of the matter is that I'm just not that interested in casting. There's also the fact that she was personally the person I was closest with at work, so things are much lonelier without her. There's no one at work now who will spend a solid 20 minutes singing John Williams scores out loud with me, or watch inappropriate videos on You Tube, or just periodically ask me how I'm doing, and not mean just how are all my various projects going.

Apart from that, the job remains as it was - really, really good experience, but not what I want to do for the rest of my life. The few occasions where I actually get to sit in on rehearsals are reaffirming - when I was talking to my mom about it, she asked me whether I was jealous of the acting fellows, and I honestly answered No, I was jealous of the directors. So it's good to feel like maybe I actually do know what I want to be doing. Also, I cannot WAIT to be doing my own work again....

So anyway, that's work. In other news, this week marks officially a year since Ben and I broke up, although the four months following were such a mess that I really count from when I broke off all communication with him - and that will be 8 months this coming week. It's really and truly bizarre to think about - he was such a huge part of my life for almost four years, and now I haven't exchanged a single word with him for the better part of one. Mostly I'm doing fantastically with that - but every month or so, I'll have a day where I miss him like we just broke up yesterday. But I've accepted that as something that's just going to happen - I know that there will always be a part of me that misses him, the way everyone misses their first real love for the rest of their lives, even if only a little bit every great once in a while.

It is also truly, truly bizarre that I have been here almost six months. It feels like I've been here forever - mostly in terms of work. But in other ways, it is completely inconceivable that I've been here this long. I think that may be because at the beginning of the year, my personal life was such a godawful mess that every day felt like a month, and things were happening and changing all the time. Here things in my personal life are fairly static - my roommate is still awesome and my closest friend here; other friendships here have shifted and changed, but only as they always do amongst new groups of people; I've had a couple brief flings/crushes, but nothing that's gone anywhere. (Only very recently have I encountered something that I really think could go Somewhere, capital S and all, but there is a very large complication that I believe may prevent anything from actually happening, which is a little heartbreaking, since I really believe it could actually be Something, capital S and all.)

I guess it feels like, since being here, I've grown a lot in terms of my professional life, but I haven't really changed at all in my personal life; or maybe I have, but compared to all the changing and growing (albeit often unwillingly) I was doing in Portland, it doesn't feel like much.

There's been lots of other stuff going on too - seen a lot of good/wonderfully terrible movies, seen a lot of plays, read some really, really fantastic books (Henry James' Portrait of a Lady being a particular highlight), gone to a lot of opening night parties. I've been missing winter intensely - I know that's slightly crazy, but to me, psychologically, there's really something wrong when I can walk outside at the end of December without a hat or gloves and be totally fine. And god, do I miss snow....

One definitely awesome thing has been living in the same city as my brother (he goes to GW). I mean, who else would I be able to go with to see all the supremely terrible action movies that come out? And it's good to have family nearby.

So anyway, that's mroe or less where I am. It's been a very, very long year, certainly one of, if not the, most emotionally turbulent of my life. But I think I've come out the other side of it all at least a little wiser and more mature, and I am certainly ending this year in a lot better place than I ended the last one. And yes, everyone was right - historically/politically speaking, I am totally psyched to be geographically where I am this year!

I will say I am very sad I can't be with you all for New Year's - but I hope we all have good ones anyway, and I"m sure one of these years I'll manage to be there. Here's hoping I get to see a lot of you a lot more often in 2009 than I did in 2008! Lots of love, and HAPPY NEW YEAR!

To be here now

2008-11-05T07:50:40Z

We left our apartments on East Capitol Street as soon as Obama was done speaking, headed for the Capitol, just to be there. We rounded the front, and could hear in the distance cheering. As if drawn by a magnetic force, we headed towards it, slowly joined by other small groups, all moving, inexplicably, in the same direction. The trickle became a stream. "Where are you headed?" we were all shouting at each other over the din of horns honking and people cheering. "I don't know!" people cried, laughing, "We're following the noise, the crowd, this feeling -" until we all realized we were headed down Penn Ave, toward the White House. Every car passed with windows down, horns blaring, passengers with their arms thrown in the air, cheering. Spontaneous chants of "Yes we can!" and "Yes we did!" broke out every few minutes. The stream became a river, the river a flood. We flung ourselves, arms outstretched, into groups of strangers, for high-fives and hugs. The diversity of the crowd was astounding. We swarmed, ecstatic, in front of the White House, cheering, hugging, laughing, crying, calling friends and family. I managed to find my brother in the crowd, and we, all of us, the millions, all across the country, raised our hands and our voices in hope and praise and joy and wonder, overwhelmed by the knowledge, by the proof, that yes, Yes We Can.

Fifty years from now, I will say to my grandchildren, "I was there."

A woman on the radio talks about revolution
but it's already passed her by
Bob Dylan didn't have this to sing about
You know it feels good to be alive

I was alive and I waited, waited
I was alive and I waited for this

Right here, right now
There is no other place I'd rather be
Right here, right now
Watching the world wake up from history

I saw the decade in
when it seemed the world could change
in the blink of an eye
and if anything, then there's your sign
of the times

I was alive and I waited, waited
I was alive and I waited for this

Right here, right now
There is no other place I'd rather be
Right here, right now
Watching the world wake up from history

At long last

2008-08-14T00:14:33Z

First off, my apologies for being so woefully neglectful in updating the Internet about Life – I know you’ve all been breathlessly waiting to hear how the hell things are down here. Well,

The long and short of it is, things down here are quite good! On the one hand, it feels like I’ve been here forever, and on the other hand, it is entirely inconceivable that I’ve already been here almost a month, because it feels like I just moved in yesterday.

The job is pretty intense, and I’m doing a lot of things I’ve never done before and have no experience with at all, which is both terrifying and exciting. It turns out a lot of what I do is casting stuff, dealing with auditions and offers, etc. etc. Not what I want to do for the rest of my life, but definitely really interesting to be learning about. I also do a lot of dealing with the budget for the Artistic Department, filling out check requests and tracking all the money we spend – again, not what I want to do with my life, but definitely good experience to have. And there’s about a billion other little things that I’m working on on a day-to-day basis. The theatre is GINORMOUS, I mean, unlike anywhere I’ve ever worked and probably unlike anywhere I’ll ever work again, at least theatre-wise (OH GOD I APOLOGIZE FOR SPELLING IT THEATRE BUT THAT’S HOW THEY SPELL IT HERE I FEEL SO PRETENTIOUS).

Outside of the job, things are also quite good. My flatmate is all sorts of awesome, and we are slowly decorating our apartment in excellent ways. We’ve formed a vertical alliance with the boys who live above us, so I have an automatic group of people to hang out with, which is always good. And the rest of the people are all very cool so far as well. It turns out all my paranoid fears over the summer which I bored you all with were unfounded! Huzzah!

DC is also a pretty rockin’ city, it turns out. The first week I was here was the National Fringe Festival, so we went to some cool shows (including a one-man, one-hour version of The Seven Samurai, which was one of the most awesome things I’ve ever seen). We’re slowly accumulating a collection of cool places to get drinks, etc; we’ve found movie theaters, which is important; there’s also apparently a really classy bowling alley with a dress code and fancy drinks! It’s supposed to be rather expensive, so we’re saving it for a special occasion, but still. Awesome. And then of course there are all the free museums, which I’ve only just begun to take advantage of. And the zoo, which once it gets a little cooler I will be visiting ALL THE TIME.

And on Monday night we went to Screen on the Green (the last one of the summer, unfortunately), which is where they set up a GIANT screen on the Mall and do a free screening! This past one was the original Superman, which was as awesome as I vaguely remembered it being when I last saw it at what, ten years old, maybe? Also, SO MUCH SEXUAL INNUENDO HOLY CRAP. The things you don’t catch on to when you’re young….

In other news, this past week has been a strange and scary week due to the situation in Georgia, where my dear friend sweetvalleyslut was serving on Peace Corps. She’s been safely evacuated to Armenia, but it’s been nerve-wracking, to say the least. My thoughts are definitely with her host family and their relatives, who I know she’s very worried about.

In still other news, on top of the usual missing of the guy I was seeing in Portland (which is a more or less daily occurrence), my PMS this time around has decided to take the form of making me think back on all the good times I had with Ben before we were dating, when we were friends, and getting really sad that I had to lose all of that, too. There is so much of me that wishes that a) we had never dated, so we could have stayed friends, or even better, b) that we would have kept dating, had a final week at the Cape or something, before I moved to DC and he moved to wherever, and things had to be over. Because in that situation, I really and truly think we could have stayed friends, since the breakup would have been necessary, and mutual. But then I remember that the person he was by the end of the whole ordeal was not particularly someone I wanted to be friends with anymore, and I try to let that make me feel better. Which doesn’t really work, because it’s more or less just as sad to lose a friendship because the person changes as it is because they broke your heart.

But that is just one aspect of my life which is sad; everything else is pretty rockin’. I’ve taught myself to bang out the chords to five or six songs on the keyboard and sing along in the past couple weeks, and I’m determined to keep it up; last year I completely stopped playing, ever, and I refuse to let that happen again. I have also accumulated the beginnings of my very own comic book collection (aren’t you proud of me Allie? Maybe someday I’ll stop mooching off of you! … but probably not). I also accidentally bought seven movies at Target. Oops. I also watched The Muppet Movie for the first time (holy crap. So good). I also saw Pineapple Express, which was as completely ridiculous as I expected it to be, and I enjoyed every minute of it.

There are probably some other things that have happened too, but I think this entry has been epic enough. Now I must wash some dishes and such, and then it will be time for Project Runway! Yay!

You would think I'd learn from my mistakes.

2008-08-02T06:16:05Z

I really need to stop falling for these sort of guys. First Damon, now this.

I am really, really fucking crushed. My heart is fucking broken.

... sometimes I hate loving this team.

In other news, DC is pretty damn good, thus far... I promise, a more in depth post at some point in the near future. No, really. I swear.

... Man. I really, really fucking loved Manny. Like, a lot.

Goddammit.

Reports from the land of SWELTERING HEAT

2008-07-20T19:55:27Z

So, I'm in DC. Weird. I don't yet have internet in my apartment, so I'm using the ridiculously slow connection in my mom's hotel room. Hopefully I'll be able to find a nice cafe with internet somewhere nearby, but I'll probably be somewhat absent from the internet until the people can come in and install it (I don't know when that's happening yet, since it's Sunday and I haven't been able to call them).

Anyway, I have to actually unpack, which I have not yet made any progress on, despite arriving yesterday (I spent last night on the pullout couch in my mom's hotel room, since I was too tired to think about making the bed in my apartment). I am determined to find internet on my lunch break tomorrow, however, so a more substantial update them. In the meantime, I will have to try to survive sans internet. Oh, the pain!

I can't help it. It's in my nature.

2008-07-16T05:15:31Z

I wish that I could tell him how much I miss him (the guy I was seeing up in Portland, that is - I'm done missing that other person I used to miss). I wish I could send him a text message or something saying "I miss you." But we never exchanged a single word about how we felt toward each other, so it doesn't seem appropriate. And I'm too afraid that he doesn't feel the same toward me (i.e. that he feels how I intended to feel - unattached, just having a good time, completely finished with it all now that it's over, etc.).

Fucking PMS. Not that I wasn't feeling like this already (because I was), but it all becomes much more intense when I'm all hormonal - and when I'm not, I'm much less prone to bursting into tears when things happen like my parents saying "He seemed really nice - and he seemed to really like you."

The two bottles of wine plus beer that my parents and I had at dinner are also probably not helping the situation.

I should go to bed.

A picnic at Puffer's Pond with picture books with the lovely ladies Marie Laure and Elizabeth tomorrow promises to be particularly pleasant.

Have watched They Shoot Horses, Don't They?, 25th Hour, the first six episodes of Rome, Hellboy II, and The Crying Game in the past week or so (in more or less that order, the last of them this evening). I highly, highly recommend all of them.

Blues ain't nothing but a woman (or a man) on your mind

2008-07-10T18:44:12Z

Last night's chicken dinner party was a great success, despite neither Cora nor I having heard from anyone until shortly before dinner was ready. All told, six bottles (including one magnum) of wine were consumed. We were very impressed with ourselves. There was singing and playing of the piano, and of course, Settlers of Catan - which of course, Debi won again, being evil as she is. (Favorite interchange of the evening - Debi asking Nick for help, Nick refusing, Debi saying "You're my husband!" and Nick replying, "But you're evil!")

Now I'm waiting on Cora for beaching, and feeling slightly down, because right after everyone left I was all of a sudden punched in the stomach with missing the guy I was seeing up in Portland. This is largely because it hit me fully that I really am not going to see him again in a romantic/whatever capacity. I mean, I knew that already, but I was still harboring this vain hope that he'd come down and visit this weekend. But it's Thursday, and it's pretty clear that's not going to happen. And it seems unlikely that if he passes through DC at some point, that it would still be an option. I could be wrong, of course; he could pass through DC three months from now and it could be that neither of us is otherwise engaged and we could fall back into it for a couple days and it could be lovely. But somehow it seems unlikely. And of course, there's the tiny part of me that keeps saying "It's only Thursday, he could still say Hey, what are you up to this weekend, care for a visit?" but I know that is not actually going to happen. It is really, truly the end. But there was never an ending, you know, because that's just not the nature of the relationship, it was never a Relationship so there never needed to be an End, which was one of the wonderful things about it. But it does make it hard to comprehend it really being over.

I'm trying to just be thankful that we had such a fabulous last bit of time together, to just be happy that it ended (not Ended, just ended) so well. I'm trying to remember that it's better to have had that wonderful last time and not get one more weekend, than to have one more weekend and have the ending be not as perfect.

In which I am confused by feelings vs. what I'm supposed to feel

2008-07-09T15:58:47Z

In the months after Ben broke up with me, I, like most people who are dumped, I imagine, felt like pretty much the most unattractive, undesireable human being to ever walk the face of the planet. I'd go out with the other interns (all of whom were girls), and they would all get hit on all evening by their preferred gender, while I was blatantly ignored. Well, no, it wasn't that bad, but that's certainly what it felt like. And all I wanted was a little confidence boost - something everybody who's just been dumped desires - and I just couldn't get one.

And then I started seeing this guy, and of course that made a world of difference - see a couple entries ago for all my feelings on that. And then of course most of the times I went out, I was with him, so that was that. I re-accepted myself as the kind of girl who doesn't get hit on in bars, who finds relationships other ways, better ones than you would find being hit on in a bar. And I started to heal.

But then last night I was out with a severely diminished team at pub trivia near where a friend lives, and a Random Straight Guy, as Cora so aptly put it, joined our team because he had been edged out of his. I figured what the hell, I was feeling confident, I'm leaving town in less than a week, it never works anyway, and I started flirting with him, because why the hell not - I'm completely single now, after all. And lo and behold, he flirted back. Very much so. The entire evening. Even very smoothly left his number in my little notebook that we were using for trivia.

... And I liked it. I liked being hit on in a bar. Not that I'm going to start trying to pick up guys in bars all the time, because I really don't think it's a good way to find a relationship at all, but still. It felt really nice. I've never, ever in my life been a girl that random guys hit on, in any context; I'd accepted that, and as probably a good thing. But now apparently I am, or rather, I can be - and it feels good.

And now I feel mighty guilty, because I know I'm buying into heteronormative cultural stereotypes, etc. etc. etc., and I know I should feel bad. I know I should be disgusted by the whole thing. But I had fun. He wasn't sleazy, there was no unwanted touching or anything of the sort, and no, he's probably not the kind of guy I would ever actually date - but I realized that I'd come out the other side of the whole Ben thing intact, stronger even, more confident. Of course, that's largely thanks to the guy I was seeing in Portland - I'd still be very unhealed and unwhole if it wasn't for that. That's what made me realize there could be life and other relationships after your first great love has broken your heart. As much as I hate to admit it, Ben was right when he told me months ago that it would be a while before people would flirt with me, because as much as I tried to act otherwise, you could tell that emotionally, I definitely was not available. But he also told me that I would probably never be the kind of girl that guys hit on in bars, that that is just not the kind of attractiveness I possess. And now here I am, mostly healed and whole, so much so that if I so choose, I can flirt with a Random Straight Guy in a bar and not feel a fool for pursuing something hopeless, and actually have them flirt back. And I can also not, I can not flirt at all. And to have that, to have that choice, the realization that I do have that power that I never thought I did, to weild as I so choose, and that nobody else has any say or control over it, no one can take it away - that feels really fucking good.

Except that it's all tempered with this feeling of guilt at buying into society's gender roles, etc. - I feel like I'm being a very bad liberal Hampshire student for feeling this. I feel like I'm wrong to feel this. I feel like I should feel bad about myself, that I should feel disgusted with myself for getting a Random Straight Guy's number at a bar. But I don't, I can't - all I can feel is pleased. And then I feel confused.

I'm bad at rules, whether they're the rules of heternormative society or the rules of liberal anti-heteronormative beliefs. I always seem to follow the wrong ones at the wrong times.

In completely other news, chicken dinner at the house I'm housesitting tonight, courtesy of Cora's mad cooking skills! And Settlers of Catan! Who's in?

What color are their hands now?

2008-07-08T05:48:53Z

Somehow in my childhood, I managed to never watch Muppet movies. For those of you who have had any glimpse of my various childhood cultural influences, this may come as a surprise, because they fit unbelievably neatly into all the other slightly bizarre favorite entertainments I had. However, this evening I watched The Great Muppet Caper, only the second Muppet movie I have ever seen (the other being Muppet Treasure Island, an odd couple, I know), and holy fuck. What amazing children's movies. They are so socially progressive, while not being afraid to make completely un-PC jokes. I mean, having Miss Piggy crash through a window on a motorcycle and save the day, and then show Animal on top of the half-unconscious female villains going "Heh, heh, heh, WOMEN!" is just pure genius. I was just struck over and over again with all that kind of humor that you would never, ever see in a kid's movie today - the seedy hostel that Kermit, Fozzie, and Gonzo stay in, the ridiculously reckless driving, the sheer number of meta / self-referential jokes, the countless random acts of sensless slapstick violence - that's what makes old-school kids' movies so great! And the fact that on top of all that they threw not only all this commentary on gender roles and stereotypes (Miss Piggy as the ideal body type that everybody is amazed by and wants, anybody?), but also the racial stuff (having black ensemble members all over the place, not to mention interspecies (pig-frog) dating) - and it was never even the slightest bit preachy or overbearing - because along with it all, they had all this down-to-earth un-PC humor to balance it out.

Suffice it to say, I am very impressed. I clearly need to watch more of these (because along with all that, the total bizarreness and silliness clearly appeal to me greatly as well); and I will certainly be including them in my children's movie repertoire.

Also, the last time I went out for drinks with the guy I was seeing up in Portland, we went to a beer garden with our friends, and he proceeded to pronounce every foreign beer with a semi-Swedish Chef accent, so now the Swedish Chef makes me think of him... He comes from Swedish ancestry, though (his grandmother lives in Sweden), so he's well within his rights, I think. Anyway.

And now I really must to bed, for I am getting up fairly early in the morning for Zoosday! And then for beaching when it gets to be afternoon and it is too unbearably hot to do anything else!

Forgive me Father but I've fallen in love and that's all I have for confession today

2008-07-06T15:46:07Z

Had an excellent Fourth of July, during which much beer was drank, a barbeque was had, tea was drank, croquet was played, a dinner party was had, and fireworks were watched (although they were largely hidden behind a cloud of their own smoke... still cool, though. I like exploding things). And yesterday watched the first Hellboy again with Allie to prepare for the upcoming sequel, and then went to the Daft's and played Settlers of Catan, which, it turns out, is one of the greatest board games ever. And today there is apparently Pirate Tea in the Boston Public Gardens!

Despite the awesomeness of hanging out with people I love and doing lots of fun things, I've been in a bit of a funk. I think it's largely due to being in an In-Between. They always put me in a weird place. It happened last summer, too. It's not overt stress about the upcoming job or anything, it's just - being in between.

And of course, there are other factors as well.

As some of you may or may not know, I started seeing someone for the last couple months I was up in Portland. It was never anything serious; it was exactly what I needed in the aftermath of the whole Ben debacle - no pressure, no drama, just someone to have a good time with, to give a little physical affection, to connect with. To paraphrase Springsteen (because he kind of describes it perfectly), I wasn't looking for praise or pity, I wasn't coming 'round looking for a crutch, I just wanted something to hold onto, and a little of that human touch, just a little of that human touch. And that's exactly what this was.

When I left Portland, we said no long distance thing, because it wasn't really a Thing to begin with, and long distance, besides just being a bad idea where I am in my life now, would turn it into something it wasn't. However, the unspoken idea was that hey, if over the summer we were in the same place, we might as well pick up where we left off. Sure enough, I went up to visit twice, the first time a week after I left, the second this past weekend, and we fell right back into it. And it was wonderful. Especially this past weekend (hence my staying those extra days). It was just everything I wanted and needed, no more, no less. I wanted it to last - not forever, it's not that kind of thing - but for longer, for as long as it would before it changed or got old.

And then I came back to Boston (which I'm not sad about - I love everyone here and wouldn't trade getting to spend time with you all for anything), and I haven't been able to stop thinking about him. It's like all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I've fallen - not in love, it's not at that level - but into very, very deep like. I must just not have noticed it while he was still there, while there was still more to come, but as soon as it was really the end, it all hit me. Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone.

And there's really nothing I can do, nothing to be done. I'm about to move to DC - there's no getting around that. I'm not getting back up to Portland before I leave. I suppose there's a chance he'll come visit me here in the next week, but I highly doubt it - he's got his own life up there, which I've probably imposed upon enough already. And yeah, who knows, maybe at some point he'll pass through DC - I'm sure I'll see him again, but by that time one or both of us may very well have found someone else. This ship will most likely have sailed, and there'll most likely be no getting back on.

Back when I started this, I told myself I wasn't going to let this happen. But I guess you sleep with someone for more or less three months, and you're bound to get attached. I don't regret anything (except that I didn't cut Ben off and meet this guy earlier...), and there's no anger or blame or anything, because it's just the circumstances of the situation. There's nothing to be done, no other way things could have gone. There's nothing more to ask for; I just wish it could have lasted, exactly as it was, just a little longer.

I guess the upshot is that all of this has pushed Ben out of my mind, except to curse the fact that I let him lead me on for so long, when if he hadn't I probably could have started this affair earlier.

And now I should probably get on with showering, eating, getting dressed, all those morning things, while it's still morning....

The Force will be with you, always.

2008-07-03T05:34:17Z

So Zombie Kickball was just as awesome as one might imagine. We didn’t actually play, but we did dress up and mill around. It was certainly highly entertaining to watch. By the end, the match was mostly live kids vs. undead adults, which was quite amusing. My favorite zombies were the guy with a motorcycle helmet with a shovel stuck into it (who at one point ran down the first base line and just kept going until he hit a fence and fell over), and the zombie tourists (a couple with big straw hats and Hawaiian shirts and the tourist maps of Portland you can get in all the stores, who just stumbled around the field trying to find their way somewhere…). Also the very small blonde girl completely done up in zombie makeup who was running around growling at people. There was also an outdoor screening of Night of the Living Dead in the evening – what an absolutely amazing movie. I’d forgotten just how good it was.

Ended up staying in Portland for several extra days, for several reasons (including an absolutely lovely day at the beach!), which was all in all a good decision. Although there were some specific aspects that definitely fell in the bitter-sweet category. Suffice it to say - when you've found (or forged) something that's just right, that's just what you need, no more, no less - it's hard when it has to come to an end.

In other news, Wall-E is amazing. Everyone should go see it. I don’t care how you think you’ll feel about it, I guarantee you’ll fall in love with it. It’s impossible not to. Also, Hancock was just as awesome as I thought it was going to be, but completely unexpected in a lot of ways, which was really fun. Also, HOLY CRAP 007 TRAILER I HAD NO IDEA THAT WAS GOING TO BE THERE I’M SO EXCITED. Daniel Craig is so hot. And tonight I finally watched The Queen - and yes, it definitely lived up to the hype (but really, it’s Helen Mirren, that’s to be expected).

And now I’m in Newton, housesitting for my aunt and uncle until the 13th, which means I have a nice, big house all to myself. There’s a big flat-screen TV and also a very nice kitchen! Who wants to have movie and/or dinner parties?

Also, Star Wars makes everything okay. (I mean the originals, of course.) A New Hope was on Spike, so of course I had to watch it, and I can’t pin down what it is about them, but they just wrap around me in a way that is different from almost everything else in my life. I mean, Casablanca is still my favorite movie, but Star Wars transcends favorites. It’s on a different level. Like Lord of the Rings (the books). Or the Cape. Those three things just have a very certain effect on me, something that goes beyond comfort. Each creates a space where I can just exist, and everything else fades away.

And now I really, really should sleep, since I've been awake more or less since 4 a.m....

When I'm home, BRAAAIIIIINNNSS

2008-06-26T21:49:48Z

Courtesy of my friend with whom I will be attending Zombie Kickball: A Hard Day's Night of the Living Dead.

Hee.

Yesterday I was very pleased to discover that Boston’s public beaches are really quite lovely! We went to Carson Beach, down in South Boston, and it was uncrowded, beautiful, with nice water, and cheap food! We were going to go again today, but then the weather was disagreeable. However, I think we will spend the day there tomorrow! Yay beaches!

It is especially nice to have discovered this beach since my few day trip to the Cape was mostly rainy… However, it was still completely worth it. Regardless of weather, it is still my favorite place in the world. I’ve never gone a summer without going to the Cape, so it was necessary for me to go, whatever the weather decided to do. The view from the deck is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen; it stuns me every time I’m there, and I’ve been going there my whole life. I don’t know what it is exactly, but something about that place just makes everything right in the world. I did manage to squeeze in a good swim at Great Pond, which is my favorite place to swim – I can’t even describe how delicious the water is. And we managed one nice sunset, which is one of the best things about the view from our deck.

I swear, one of these days I’ll actually manage to organize some time where a whole bunch of us can go and all of you can finally see what I’m going on about. And then you will understand why I’m always going on about it.

What a fool Ben was – if he hadn’t brought that final factor about, he could easily have gotten another week at the Cape out of me! Silly boy.

And tomorrow evening I head up to Portland for the weekend; I am getting more and more excited about zombie kickball. I think it is going to be awesome. And tonight I’m going to see a midnight showing of Wall-E, which I’m so excited for! There are so many good movies coming out, I can’t even handle it. And of course it’s all exponentially increased by the rapidly approaching BATMAN OH MY GOD I CAN’T WAIT. I’ll be going with my brother at midnight at Cinemark – where will you be?

All we want to do is eat your brains

2008-06-20T21:42:07Z

Oh man. So I’m (most likely) going up to Portland next weekend (the 27th-29th) to visit people (since now that I’m going to DC I’ll NEVER SEE ANY OF THEM EVER AGAIN) – and it just so happens that the Sunday of that weekend is ZOMBIE KICKBALL DAY!!! Yes, that’s right, a bunch of people dress up as zombies and play kickball! I am so there.

I’m in Boston (well, Cambrige) currently, co-house-sitting for the Caplafts with Cora, and thus far it has been quite a delightful experience. Yesterday I went to the aquarium with Ben Drake, which I have not done in years, and it was just as delightful as I remembered. I love aquariums and zoos so much it’s ridiculous. I am going to spend so much time at the zoo in DC (it’s free!); hopefully someone there will be as into zoos as I am, so I won’t have to go by myself (which I will totally do if I can’t find anyone to go with me…).

And then Cora and Ben and I made the best mac and cheese ever. You think I am just saying that. I am not. It had cheddar and gorgonzola and parmesan and romano and chives and love and amazingness. And crazy gorilla salad. And chocolate cake! And then we had beers at Grendel’s Den, which is exactly as awesome as it sounds. And tonight I’m going to see an Omni film at the Boston Science Museum! Yay!

I have so many dinners and drinks planned with so many people, it’s kind of ridiculous. My stay here is getting increasingly crazy – I’m going to Cape Cod for a few days, and then there’s my trip to Portland, and then all the other plans I’m making… so much so that I literally have to pull out my planner any time I’m talking to anyone about doing anything… But that is a good thing. I was having second thoughts about coming to Boston, since I do have a lot to get done before going to DC. But if I had stayed home, I would definitely just have sat around stewing about things, and that’s never fun. It’s much better to be here running around seeing people than at home stewing.

Speaking of which, last weekend, which was awesome in so many ways, was even more awesome for the fact that I definitely made a big psychological leap in the whole Ben thing: I’ve moved from missing him (although that still happens occasionally) to just being really annoyed that he wasted so much of my time (/I wasted so much of my time on him) in those months after he broke up with me. Because if he had just been honest with me (and with himself) about what he really wanted, then I wouldn’t have been led on, and I probably would have cut him off a hell of a lot earlier. And then rather than being miserable and frustrated trying to maintain something about which we were clearly not on the same page, I could have spent those months engaged in much more pleasurable activities, of which, in retrospect, I could have found many. And that in turn would have started this whole getting-over-him process moving much earlier…. So yes, extreme annoyance has started overtaking any other emotion regarding him; I do believe this is progress. You just kind of wasted my precious time indeed.

And now, courtesy of Letty, who showed it to me, and in honor of the impending Zombie Kickball, Re: Your Brains.

Oh! Also: anyone who enjoyed Iron Man, go see The Incredible Hulk. Not as good a movie, but I promise, it’s worth it.

So...

2008-06-17T00:23:15Z

I got offered (and accepted) the Artistic Fellowship at the Shakespeare Theatre in DC.... I'll be starting work there July 21st, so I'll probably be moving on the 19th or 20th. Right now I'm up in New Hampshire with the gorgeous Letisha, but as of Wednesday I will be in the Boston area until around the 13th of July (for the most part - I'm probably going to take an extended weekend at the end of June/beginning of July to go to Portland or Cape Cod or New York or some combination thereof). And I want to try to hang out with as many of you as possible before I leave New England for a year (the fellowship runs until the end of next June...). Although you are all welcome to come visit me in DC (please)!

Anyhow, that is the big news... besides the fact that DEBI AND NICK ARE NOW MARRIED HOLY CRAP I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE HAPPY FOR TWO PEOPLE! It was pretty much the best weekend ever. I love everyone who was there, and I pretty much never stopped smiling throughout the entire weekend (well, except for all the crying I did during the ceremony... but I'm pretty sure I was smiling then, too).

So yeah, I have a lot to get done and figure out in the next month... but I better see as many of you as possible in the midst of it all!

It's all over now, Baby Blue

2008-06-11T16:20:16Z

It’s been over five months. A month and a half since I last had any contact with him.

How long will this take?

I wonder if he thinks of me as often as I think of him. I wonder if I even cross his mind, or if he’s too occupied with other people, other things.

This is boring with hats.

2008-06-09T03:28:40Z

This is my new favorite comic ever.

Pure, unadulterated genius.

In other news, got an email from the Associate Artistic Director at the Shakespeare Theatre saying he was interviewing his last candidate this coming Friday, and that I should know shortly thereafter.... I hate being in limbo.

More later perhaps, when I am not so full of food and alcohol... oh dinner with my family... Luckily this night out at a nice restaurant only included my mom flicking bread across the table at my brother and I rather than the usual ritual of one or more of us (usually my dad) sticking some kind of vegetable up our noses....

Watching the world wake up from history

2008-06-04T03:18:45Z

Well, that was history being made.

An entry on Life and other such things to come shortly... this seems more important now, though....

Summertime, and the living is (mostly) easy...

2008-05-26T20:26:50Z

You know, the two years I spent with him are starting to feel more and more like a dream. And there is a part of me that wants so badly to reach out and grab onto it, to make it tangible again. And I probably would, if it wasn’t for one specific factor. In fact, if it wasn’t for that factor, I would probably not have broken off contact with him. If it wasn’t for that factor, I’d probably be hanging out with him right now. And I did, more than anything else, want to have this bit of time to say goodbye, because I thought we deserved it, or rather, I though I deserved it in some way. But he had to know, must have known that this is what would happen if he brought this factor about, and he brought it about anyway. So his decision was clearly made, and clearly spending this time with me, making a good end of things, was not the most important thing to him. And when I realize that, then I know that the other part of me is right, the part that says I need to let go, to let those two years just fade away.

And it’s almost really freeing. Almost.

In other news, just got back from a wonderful trip to the beach courtesy of my roomie's grandparents, who have a house right near York beach. We didn't quite make it into the water (the wind was rather chilly), but I got my first good sunburn of the season (not bad enough to be painful, but just that pleasant tingle that lets you know you got a good sun-soak) - cancer be damned, it's not summer until I'm a bit sunburned. And tonight is our glam-rock themed intern goodbye party, in the Studio Theater at PSC, which promises to be all kinds of awesome, albeit sad because we'll be saying goodbye to all the Affiliate Artists and such, who are definitely one of the most rocking groups of people I've ever known, and I will miss them all very much....

Had my interview with the Shakespeare Theatre guy, and I'm supposed to find out in the next couple of days whether I've made it to the "next step" - which if I do, means I'm going to have to go to either New York this Wednesday, when I am supposed to be at focus, or to DC over the weekend, when I'm supposed to be moving home. And I don't think they'll reimburse me for travel expenses, though I could be wrong. So that will be a pain in the ass if I make it that far, but I guess that's the price I'll pay. I think the interview went well, although it's always hard for me to tell; at least David, the Associate Artistic Director who I talked to, seems quite cool. Although he did say things like "This is really a good position for people who want to go into artistic leadership and management," which I don't really have any interest in, "and maybe not so much for people who want to go in more of a freelance directing direction," which part of me thinks I would really like to do... but I guess any position there will afford me the kind of connections and networking (not to mention looking awesome on a resume) that I can't afford to pass up... In other words, I'm thinking if they offer me the position, even though the job itself is not really what I want to be doing, I'll probably take it... but we'll see.

And now I must shower all this sand off me (which is probably now all in my bed, since I'm sitting on it), and figure out what I have in my closet that I can turn into glam-rock fabulousness (I think the orange vinyl go-go boots may have to make one final appearance at PSC...)!

ETA: You know, the only thing I really, completely regret is not getting to spend a last bit of time with his dog. Because whatever Ben has become, Hank is still awesome. I wish I could somehow hang out with Hank - and really, the rest of his family, too - without having to deal with him and The Factor.

Also, I think this sunburn is a bit worse than I thought it was, because that was a bit of a painful shower... Oops. I had suntan lotion on, I swear! It was even 30 spf!

Just when I think I have things figured out...

2008-05-22T23:17:18Z

So today, completely out of the blue, the Associate Artistic Director of the Shakespeare Theater in DC called me to ask if I was still interested in being considered for an Artistic Fellowship there. Now, I have not heard from these people in a month and a half; anybody who has talked to me recently knows that I have pretty much settled (very happily) on the idea of moving to Boston, getting a job, working with Flat Earth, etc. I had a plan, not with any details about jobs or housing or anything, but a vision of what my life would look like for at least the next year.

And now all of a sudden, this. I spluttered on the phone a bunch (not aided by the fact that I only slept for three hours last night), asking questions about when the final decision would be made ("Soon, we hope") and when the position would start ("Ideally a month from now but given the delay in the hiring process, probably a little later" - and you can see where the trouble lies in this fact, with the Great Summer Shakespeare Project, etc.).

Everything is completely up in the air right now, of course; I'm having another interview tomorrow; they may not offer me the position at all. But if they do offer it to me... what do I do? Obviously the pros are outstanding - a job at one of the most prestigious Shakespeare theaters in the country? What could be more perfect? But on the other hand, I really, really don't know if I want to spend another year in another internship. I've spent the past 22 years in programs, living in safety nets, just moving from one to the next. It completely terrifies me, but part of me (a lot of me) really wants to actually strike out on my own. That has become my vision of my next step in life - actually living in the real world, not in yet another bubble. Because as terrifying as the "real world" is, even more terrifying is the notion of getting stuck just moving from one one-year position to the next until I go to grad school and am back in that system. And it would be really, really nice to actually live with/near people who I know, who I'd know for more than a year.

And the other element is that the position they're considering me for is not actually my top choice - the one I really wanted is the directing fellowship. So I'm not entirely certain the Artistic Fellowship is really exactly what I'm looking for.

But on the other hand, a position there, regardless of what it is exactly, is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and the connections I would make would be a major foot in the door, and that's what this business is all about. The artistic director here (who is one of the most incredible people I've ever met in my life, and I would trust her word about this business over practically anyone's) had this whole discussion session with us interns just a couple days ago about her life in the theater, and what she kept repeating over and over is that it's all about connections, that is really how you get places. And I know that's true, and whatever connections I could make at the Shakespeare Theatre would definitely get me places.

I'm trying not to stress too much right now, because who knows whether they'll offer me the position - I have no idea even of how small a pool of candidates I'm in at this point, whether they're looking at like 20 other people or only a couple. I'll have this interview tomorrow, and then I guess I wait and see... and then if they offer the position to me... well, then I have an even more major existential freakout.

Everything was just starting to fall into place so nicely... it was such a relief, and I was starting to get really excited... and now it's all thrown up into the air again....

Unfortunately, this is what happens when I take long, late night drives by myself...

2008-05-22T09:14:10Z

It's just doing things I'd always sort of planned on doing with him...

These are not all accurate all the time; often enough, I'm doing just fine, great actually, better than I have been in a long time, thanks to many factors.

But sometimes...

The Beatles (with pronouns changed...)

Your day breaks, your mind aches
You find that all his words of kindness linger on
When he no longer needs you

He wakes up, he makes up
He takes her time and doesn't
feel he has to hurry
He no longer needs you

And in his eyes you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years

You want him, you need him
And yet you don't believe him
when he says his love is dead
You think he needs you

And in his eyes you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years

You stay home, he goes out
He says that long ago he knew
someone but now she's gone
He doesn't need her

Your day breaks, your mind aches
There will be times when all
the things he says will fill your head
You won't forget him

And in his eyes you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years

Crosby, Stills, and Nash

I was with you you were alone
Now I'm standing here
Wisdom came only after you'd gone
So I'm starting all over with a tear in my eye
I just never thought that you'd disappear

In the night your image arises
Close behind comes the pain
I hope I'm dreaming 'cos it hurts so bad
When I reach out for you I'm alone in some room
I just never thought that you'd disappear

I still love you
Like a child wasn't I good enough?
I still want you
Drives me wild
Haven't we had it rough?
Haven't we lost enough?

Time heals all so they say I don't know
Sometimes nothing is clear
Maybe someday I'll understand
But I know for a start there's a place in my heart
That is yours and it won't disappear

I still love you
Like a child wasn't I good enough?
I still want you
Drives me wild
Haven't we had it rough?

I still love you
Like a child wasn't I good enough?
I still want you
Drives me wild
Haven't we had it rough?
Haven't we lost enough?

And The Last Five Years, which I've only just started listening to...

Jamie is over and Jamie is gone
Jamie's decided it's time to move on
Jamie has new dreams he's building upon
And I'm still hurting

Jamie arrived at the end of the line
Jamie's convinced that the problems are mine
Jamie is probably feeling just fine
And I'm still hurting

What about lies, Jamie?
What about things
That you swore to be true
What about you, Jamie
What about you

Jamie is sure something wonderful died
Jamie decides it's his right to decide
Jamie's got secrets he doesn't confide
And I'm still hurting

Go and hide and run away
Run away, run and find something better
Go and ride the sun away
Run away like it's simple
Like it's right...

Give me a day, Jamie
Bring back the lies
Hang them back on the wall
Maybe I'd see
How you could be
So certain that we
Had no chance at all

Jamie is over and where can I turn?
Covered with scars I did nothing to earn
Maybe there's somewhere a lesson to learn
But that wouldn't change the fact
That wouldn't speed the time
Once the foundation's cracked
And I'm still hurting

Don't worry, I'm not planning on reinstating contact; I know it would only make things worse, given the situation. I just miss him sometimes, is all. Four years of being very close to someone is a lot to cut out all of a sudden.

In other news, Indy 4 was the most cheesy, ridiculous, wonderful movie I could have hoped for. Anybody else can say anything they like; I enjoyed it 100%. Add to that the excellent company and a theater full of geeks, and it was an all-over excellent experience. Except for the part where I have to be at work in less than 5 hours....